Dear Mom

2011-03-15T08:21:00.000-07:00

It's been quite a while and so much has happened in the meantime. I just want to sit down and have the longest conversation with you. The only person I feel like every really understood me. I've found someone who gets me... It's been a long hard road and I prayed to die every min of the day so I didn't have to go through it anymore... Long story short I ended up meetIng a girl... Just when I though I really couldn't take it anymore I find someone who loves me, almost to the point of irrationality despite knowing everything about my last few years of struggles. I was very up front and I just happened to be lucky enough to find someone strong in love and spirit. We never hesitated when meeting, we just fell into a rhythm like we have been together forever. She is moving to GR because I can't go anywhere because coaching is nearly seven days a week until June. There is no way we would last that long that far apart. We can't even go one day. Even with me coaching and her working, and the hour long commute between us we have managed to stay together in one place or the other for nearly as long as we've been together. It will work out. I would leave the team and move to kazoo but I feel like this is the beginning of my dream job. I've wanted to coach since high school and now I'm being paid to coach one of the best teams in the state. I know it won't be anything fast and I'll have to put in my time but that's not a big chore when you love what you do. I def feel like it would be a mistake but I feel so shitty whenever I'm away from amber and she says she feels the same so something has to be done. Giving up rowing for retta is one of my biggest regrets. I don't want to make that mistake again and then grow resentful for having left what I loved. It's just a lot to worry about and not a lot of time to consider it all...... Such is life I suppose.

About you

2007-12-16T17:16:00.000-08:00

Dear mom,

Ed and I had a long conversation about you tonight... He started crying when we were talking and he said it was because he had been thinking about you. He was upset about you being gone so young. He thought you should be there for me, and he was sad that you werent. I have been sad about it alot lately to. I feel like I could be so much stronger if you were here to talk to and get advice from. I dont know whats going to happen with us, I feel like this is the end of it. It just feels like it, I dont know if its on my end or his, or both. You've already been through this, tell me what to do. Honestly, I really have been missing Lo lately, I just dont want to be away from her. She is so much of my strength and I know Im not ready to let her go. If it were to come down to a choice right now, I could make it if I had to but like I said, im not going to let her go. I dont know what it is, are we that co-dependent or is she truly the other half of my soul? I cant imagine my life without her but I want something else to. Its so unfair to her and I hate that I am this way about it. I have really tried to be better toward her, she doesnt deserve this shit. Its not right for her either to be stuck in this situation, maybe the right thing to do is really to just let her go. I Love her and maybe thats that only fair selfless thing to do, but then I wonder how selfless it is when she says she cant be without me too.

She loved you like a mother too, funny she would be asking you for the same advice as I am just from a different point of view. I dont know what to do, its so fucked up how can I fuck up these two lives and how did I get this far into it without realizing.

Lost

2007-12-08T09:01:00.000-08:00

Dear Mom,

So much going on right now, I feel horrible. Im just going to get back to your diary...

May 1, 1979

"Well, I bought a new dress and top today. The last clothing im gonna buy for awhile. I plan on losing 30lbs by June 23rd when I see Kevin again. Wont he be suprised! I will stick to this if it kills me. I really need to be special for him and for myself. I just can't seem to get used to it down here. I'm constantly afraid about Kevin and me falling apart. I want to believe so bad that this one will last. I love him and need to feel his arms around me."

May 2, 1979

"I love the beach. As I walk along I feel all my thoughts let go and the sound of the waves take over. I just sat in the sand and watched. It felt so good. I should try to get down here every day. It gives me strength I need to face what possibly lies ahead.

I know what you mean about the beach. Funny we would both feel the same way. I should go to the beach today and let it all melt away. You seemed to have a particular clarity at that moment in your life. I wish I had that clarity now.

Miss you

2007-12-06T07:17:00.000-08:00

Sunday April 29 1979,

Arrived in West Palm Beach at 1:35 am without Dorrie. Don't know if it was the right leaving her but felt I had to do it. Kevin mentioned our moving in together when (if) he gets down here. He also told me today again that he loves me. Its wonderful to hear but cant help wondering how long love will last him while hes there an I'm here. I really do love him, i miss him already, but I cant really let go of my feeling until I know for sure he'll be down here with me!

Monday April 30 1979,

Talked to Kevin today twice. I wanted to go home today so bad and be w/him. When I talked to him he called it folishness, my coming back. He said how could he find a job down here if I was up there. I just hope I can last until June. Better yet I hope he can last til June. I really need something to keep me busy. I also miss Dorrie, can't wait to see her again.

These are the first two entries in your diary, no doubt major times in your life. As I read the words I can hear them coming out of my own mouth as well just in different situations. I wish I could ask you now why you went down there and did you move there permenantly or was it just for a few months? Its weird that I would end up here now. I know Dad was here at some point. Up to no good. I wonder where you guys lived, I really want to go there. It must have looked so much different then.

Who is Kevin? I think I may have a picture from the pictures I managed to salvage over the years. Im going to look and see... wish you were here to see West Palm now.

Happy Birthday Mom

2007-12-01T09:14:00.000-08:00

Dear mom,

Happy Birthday, you would have been 51 today. Still a spring chicken, they say 50 is the new 40. Last year on your birthday we spread your ashes in Lake Michigan as you requested. I felt so weird doing it, I never new those were your wishes. Its crazy, in April it will be two years since youve gone. It feels like such a long time ago, but sometimes I think I feel the same way I did when I first found out. I wish you were here. Miss you so much.

I found the other letter you wrote me that I had been searching for... I dont remember when you wrote it and oddly you never dated it...

"Dear Beeper,
First may I apologize for breaking your trust again and causing choas in your life? I am so sorry for all the pain i've put you through, beginning when you were little on through till now.
I know we can't change the past. I realize now all the weight you had to carry because my addictions. Yes, plural cause it wasn't just the pills and pot when you were young. It was money and co-dependency and poor decision making that led to the crack addiction, then the pain medication. Now I know I can never pick up any drug other than to take them as prescribed and I don't allow narcotics unless i'm hospitalized for severe pain. I have done severe physical and mental damage to myself also. I don't take anything stronger than Naproxen and A sleeping pill at nite. Sorry this is so sloppy but the nerve damage in my arm is affecting the way I write and I don't have access to a computer or typewriter. Printing takes FOREVER! and even thats not so great! But back on track. What can I do to right the wrong things that I have caused to happen to you?
I am going to 12-step meetings several times a week and really working a program. Im living in a halfway house to complete my 90 meetings in 90 days (ill have more), but my 90 days will be up on your birthday. A double celebration for me. Id like to send you my 90-day chip as a token to show how serious I am about all that has happened. May I? I write the address and phone number down on the end of the letter.
I miss our text messages. Ill have a phone by Nov. 5th if not Oct.
I will respect whatever your decision is. If you need more time or flat want me out of your life ill understand that. Whatever I can do to make amends. If you're curious about my recovery program there are 12-step NA meetings online. I can get you the information.
For now I just wanted to apologize and tell you how very much I love you and miss you. I will always be here even if you tell me to wait forever. I miss hearing about your life and whats going on with you.

I love you,

I hope everything is going great for you and Lo. Thank you for reading this letter regardless of how you respond.
Love always and all ways,
Mom"

I never really read that letter till now, I mean I read it but didn't understand it. Im listening to Meatloaf, ha, remember? The first concert I ever went to, you took me and we had a great time. I remember we got a T- shirt on the way out. It was funny how you would be playing the tape in the kitchen and I would be playing it in my room. I loved singing with you. I miss my best friend...

Your Diary

2007-11-26T12:18:00.000-08:00

Dear mom,

I found your diary from when you were my age. You sound so young in it, of course you were but its weird to hear it. I think that I can identify with some of it and alot of seems to be a completely different world. I never really knew anything about what it was like when you were younger. I guess that I can kinda imagine having been partially raised by grandma myself.
Its weird, this year is the first year that grandma has gotten me a "daughter" card for my birthday. It was really beautiful and thoughtful, it made me sad to see that this was also the first time that she made no attempt to sign her own name. I think she thinks she is dying, she is really anxious for me to come home for christmas this year. Its going to be another tough year.
I really see the family kind of falling apart after she goes. I probably wont keep in contact much, its sad but true. I never talk to anyone except grandma anyway, at least on the phone. It will be hard on everyone but I know im gonna fall apart. I really should try harder to get up there, Ed mentioned flying up to see grandma sometime soon. I would really like to but I dont want it to be his excuse for not going to family christmas.

You would like him, Ed, he reminds me alot of uncle Wally and uncle John put together and the family says he looks like grandpa did when he was that age. Its kinda freaky actually, aunt La Rae pointed it out and I know grandma was thinking the same thing. They are pretty close already but I think that has more to do with the fact that she is old enough to be his mother and he really misses his mother. He said that when he called the other day she told him she loved him and that it really made him feel good. Im suprised she said that but then again it was really what he needed. Funny how things like that work out.

My 21st Birthday

2007-11-24T10:13:00.000-08:00

I was looking through some of your pictures today and I ran across the letter you sent me on my 21st birthday....

"Dearest Nell-Bell,
Happy 21st Birthdbay Beeper. I hope every wish and dream you have will come true.
I am so proud to call you my daughter. You are strong, beautiful, generous, funny, loving, and intelligent. Though I can't take complete credit for the person you are today, id like to think that i've something to do with shaping your life in a positive way.
I will never be able to tell you how monumentally sorry for the things I have, and haven't done. I am eternally grateful that you and I have been able to keep a loving relationship. I hope to be able to become a mother that you can look up to and be proud of.
You have preservered in spite of all the obstacle is your life. You have accomplished so very much and I know you will go on to bigger and better accomplishments the rest of your life. You have many people who love and respect you. There is nothing you could do or say to me that would ever cause me to stop loving you with all my heart.
Thank you, baby girl, for being the brightest ray of sunshine in my life. You are capable of any goal you, or anyone else, sets for you. You are deserving of all the wonderful things that life has to offer.
You bring something special to everything, and everyone, you are involved with. I thank God every day for blessing me by bringing you in life 21 years ago. Your birthday is my true "Mothers Day". I wish for you every joyous and wonderous thing in life.
If your dad was here, I know he'd be doing the same thing that he'd been doing since the first time he saw- bragging about his baby girl, just like I do continuously now.
Remember, I love you more because I loved you first. Have the best day ever.
All my love-always and all ways Mom."

Fast forward four years later and this letter takes on a whole new meaning. I miss you so much.

Lost

2007-11-24T08:18:00.000-08:00

Dear mom,

Im so frustrated with Ed, its like he cant see beyond his own situation. He tells me he is sorry and this is all his fault and he misses me and needs me so much, but if thats the case then why isnt he here? How does he not understand that saying all that and then doing nothing is what pisses me off so much. Am I being stupid? I always told myself I would never do the long distance relationship thing... This would be why, how conviently I forgot that. I just dont know what to say to him anymore, Ive said it as many different ways as I know how and at this point its like being strapped in and watching as it goes down the tubes.

I wish you were here, I need to get out of this rut...

Thanksgiving

2007-11-22T11:16:00.000-08:00

Dear mom,

It feels like such an ordinary day, never the same as when you are with your family. Not to mention the fact that its hot here and that really doesnt add to the whole holiday feeling.

I talked to Grandma, La Rae actually called me early, around 11. I was kind of scared to pick up the phone because I havent talked to grandma in over a month and I knew I should have called earlier. The only reason I got away with that was because of my birthday. Grandma isnt doing to well I dont think, she has really made a big deal out of me coming home for family Christmas this year. I think she thinks its her last. She has really given up I think. Its killing her not to be able to stand up straight and walk tall.
She said they got their first snow, very light but they are suppose to get 4 inches sometime this week. I miss the cold weather, somewhat, not at all if I were actually in it at the moment. Something about living in Florida, I have no cold tolerance anymore. I thought I was going to freeze to death when we spread your ashes. Not bright of us and of course a wave came up over our ankles. We all thought that was very fitting considering.

Not much else going on in the family, everyone has their ups and downs as grandma puts it. I told her I was definetely going to be at family christmas this year. I feel the urgency to. I dont know if Ed will be going. I hate to pressure him but at the same time I want him there and everyone would love to see him. Grandma loves him, he even called her and chatted after they met. She told me today to tell him Hi and she was thinking about him. Weird to think that she could be his mother. I think he really connects with her partially for that reason. He misses his mother as much as I miss you, we cry about it together sometimes. Im glad he has her, she will tell him only the truth and what comes from her heart. It will be hard on him to when she goes.

This is the first year in a long time that everyone in the family will be there except Lindsy and I. Dorrie is going and im glad, this may be her chance to gain it back. Grandma said they didnt even think about it and she just asked what she could bring. I feel bad that this is the way it is but they say time and love heals alot of things. Lindsy texted me this morning to say Happy Birthday and Happy Thanksgiving. She said she couldnt call because she didnt have enough minutes left and she needed to buy diapers. My heart dropped into my stomach. Its so unfair the way things have ended up for her. Im gonna go get her a phone card today so she can call everyone. I hope she and Donny have a place to go...

Lo and I will be cooking, not sure when but probably soon cause the birthday blunt is causing some stomach growling.

LY MY
beeper

My hibiscus

2007-11-21T19:30:00.000-08:00

A hibiscus flower from the tree in my backyard. You would love them...

My Birthday

2007-11-21T18:56:00.000-08:00

Dear mom,

Tommorow is my birthday, and Thanksgiving. It sucks because Ed of course has to be with his wife and Lo and I will be home alone. At least this year we got a Turkey, well of sorts, we got a ready made turkey breast and some other random Thankgiving like foods. I am going to try to make green bean casserole, thats what I miss most about family thanksgivings. Funny I dont remember many thanksgivings from when I was a kid.
I have no idea what Lindsy and Dorrie are doing but im sure they will land somewhere. Last year Lo and I were in Town and we went to Grandma Claps, I think that was the first time I met her that I remember anyway. It was nice but not the same as ours. Dorrie is about six months along and I dont see her being the most amiable prego, so they probably wont go far from home. I hope Lindsy ends up with friends, she needs it. Things have been rough for her and Donny. I try to help but im not much good, buying phone cards here and there. I have to be honest I worry about Donny and the way shes raising him. I dont know what to do. She could really use your guidance about now.
I dont know where you would be right now but Lindsy said you were doing well the last she talked to you. I hope we would have been talking by now, I can be a stubborn ass I know. Thats something I will always regret. I think alot about the christmas that Lo and I were up there and we dropped Lindsy and Donny back at home. They called to warn you to leave before we got there. That would have been the last time I had seen you. I know why she did it and I dont blame her, there is no way she could have known you would be gone less than 5 months later.
She's brave, lindsy, she told me she was the last one to talk to you. You guys talked on the phone the night before they found you. She said when she found out she couldnt believe it was possible because she had just talked to you. It breaks my heart even now, we all needed you, but she really needed you.
I was stunned, Dorrie called me at work after I had ignored her texts to call I finally broke away to the rainy patio to call. She asked me if I was sitting down and I remember my impatience at that telling her to just tell me what was going on. I dont even know what went through my mind, tears were automatic and I was at work so of course Lo was there. I went straight to her and we both cried there on the line with the rush of Sunday brunch around us. I was in shock, you would have been happy with my friends, we went out and as I drank I tried to wrap my head around it.
I took a couple weeks off and felt so numb and suddenly disconnected from the world. I was remembering things I hadnt thought about in ages. I couldnt believe the range of emotions, but mostly mom, it was good. Things I missed from when I was a kid. I remembered when things were good.
Then I got sick, they dont know what it was. I was panicked and lost 40 lbs, they had to keep me hydrated by IV and I felt like I was going crazy. It stopped as suddenly as it started, it lasted a month and I thought I was going to die. At the time it never occured to me not to be scared because you would be there.
Im still trying to rebuild from there. I keep thinking about how much different this might have been if you were here. I feel like losing you was losing a part of myself and I feel kind of lost now.
Ill be 25 tommorow, I dont feel it. I still feel like a lost child but I dont know where I am lost from.